A Jennings Family Announcement

A little fall cleaning has led us to announce...

What Not To Say To A Couple Who Has Suffered Loss Through Miscarriage

Miscarriage sucks.

When Kevin and I lost our first child in a miscarriage last September, our worlds were rocked in a way we didn’t anticipate. We weren’t planning for child at the time, and surprisingly (or, not so surprisingly), that did nothing to curb the shock and grief we experienced then and continue to experience every day.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about the child I’ll never get to meet. Miscarriage is a very personal, traumatic thing that leaves an imprint on most everything. So, with that in mind, here are some helpful tips that we strongly hope you keep in your back pocket for the times a friend, family member or acquaintance has suffered the loss through miscarriage:

Be silently supportive. Acknowledge this is a sucky situation and offer any support. Do not offer any prepackaged nuggets of wisdom or inspirational quotes. Saying it's for the best or God must've wanted it that way does not offer any comfort or added value. Sure, it's true. But usually, those statements are said when no one has anything else to say and is looking for conversation fillers. It's OK to say nothing. In fact, we encourage it.

Don't ask the couple is the pregnancy was planned or unplanned. First, it's none of your business, and that goes for family, friend or whoever. Second, most people ask this question to find some sort of comfort in the situation. Hey, if it was unplanned, it makes this situation a little less terrible, right? Wrong. A loss is still a loss. Keep all inquiries to yourself. Instead, ask the couple if there’s anything at all you can do to help. Or, refer to point #1.

Don't ask when they're planning to start trying again. Again, it's none of your business and it's a sensitive topic. They just suffered a loss. Their world is likely still spinning. If they get pregnant again, the round belly will be a tell-tale sign. Just chill. See point #1.

Acknowledge first holidays will be hard. The first Mother's Day was very hard for me. I felt like a rain cloud followed me throughout my entire day. So know that most holidays after the miscarriage will suck. An even more sucky time? The due date of your child (ours was May 1, 2015).  Know that your friend or family member may be having a tough time and might not share in your joy that day as they have in the past. Don’t be offended. See point #1.

Don’t have any expectations of the couple for a little while. After the miscarriage, I didn’t feel like talking to anyone at all. Not friends, not family and certainly not anyone who would engage me in small talk. I simply did not have the capacity for it. I had some people who understood that, and others who did not, asking why I wouldn’t let them support me. If you have this thought, take a moment, step back and do a gut check — is your desire to have them talk selfishly motivated? If so, stop where you are and refer to point #1. It’s OK that your friend, family member or acquaintance doesn’t want to talk or rehash. They’ll come around eventually. Until then, you know what you can do (see point #1).

Have you suffered a miscarriage? Is there anything we missed? Comment in the section below.

How You Know When Someone Is The One

As engagement season begins, one question we get asked a lot is how we knew we were “the one” for the other. We are by no means experts in this area, but there are a few things that we know for sure about the one you’re meant to spend all your days with:

There’s no chaos. Can you think back on a time when God brought utter and total chaos to your life? Probably not because we serve a God of order and that order extends to our relationships. Of course there will be arguments over little things and growing pains as you get to know each other, but one sign that this person may not be the one God called to be your life partner is if you feel a lack of peace about spending your life with the person. That internal unrest may be God whispering to you to let that person go. Listen to your gut. Don’t make God yell at you because it’s going to suck.

You’re friends in every sense of the word. Kevin and I were friends long before we got married and he is my very best friend in the whole world. I love the person that he is and he loves who I am. Beyond being my husband, that dude is my homie. I love spending time with Kevin all the time, and that’s a good thing because when you’re married, your spouse is in your face constantly. We can be our true, and sometimes annoying, selves with each other without fear. Ask yourself if you like who the person is at all times, in happiness and in sadness. If you do, this is a good sign.

You want this person to be the mother or father of your child. I have no doubt in my mind that Kevin will be a wonderful father to our children, should we decide to have them. I love the idea that he will pass some of his amazing qualities to our child. Again, I have no fear in this and with “the one,” you won’t have any fear either.

Preferences versus deal breakers. Take some time to consider this: Are the things that annoy or concern you about your girlfriend or boyfriend based on your personal preferences or are they truly things that will have you questioning your decision to stay years down the road? Kevin seems to always leave the gas tank on dang near ‘E’ every time. Does it annoy me? Heck yes, it does. Will it cause serious damage to our relationship? Absolutely not (Unless I get stranded somewhere as a result. Then we’ll have some problems!). Examine situations in your current relationship to identify preferences versus deal breakers. If they’re deal breakers then...well...no deal.

Any that we missed? Leave your thoughts in the comments section below.